I’ve started a new series on my blog called “Ask Hamy” where I ask for people’s questions regarding specific topics and hopefully, offer some advice in the process. As you can see from the title, this post will be featuring the topic of romantic relationships. Disclaimer: I’m not an expert on relationships whatsoever. All of these answers are just based on my own life experiences.
The questions I’m answering in this blog were collected from my Instagram story. If you would like to be a part of my next “Ask Hamy” blog post, make sure you follow me on Instagram @iamhamyhuynh. Without any further shameless self plugging, let’s get started!
How do you move on from heartbreak?
I’ve had my fair share of both breaking hearts and heartbreak. I think whichever side you’re on, it sucks. Acknowledging that you’re not the only one hurting is the first step. Secondly, allow yourself to experience all of the emotions and pain that come with heartbreak. Don’t think that you need to “just get over it.” Be frustrated! Cry if you want! But after you get those feelings out of the way, understand that it’s not the end of the world and allow yourself to continue moving forward. You still need to do pay attention to your responsibilities, perform self-care, and are still allowed to have fun (I don’t mean the type of fun that involves abusing alcohol/drugs or doing dumb things like emotionally manipulating someone else just because you’re hurt). You may not be able to control what your ex does, but you can control your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors after the heartbreak happens.
How do you get a significant other?
This is a very tricky question to answer as it’s a very different experience for everyone. My best advice is to focus on loving and nurturing yourself before you try and enter a relationship. Sometimes, people get into relationships thinking that their significant other will somehow be able to show them who they really are and make them whole. But a relationship is not supposed to make you whole. You are supposed to be whole be yourself. A healthy relationship happens with two people who are complete by themselves, come together to appreciate each other’s existence. Love yourself, find out what you like/dislike, build resiliency, develop coping mechanisms– just really get to know yourself. And perhaps, while you least expect it, someone may enter your life and truly admire who you are. But yeah, please focus on yourself first. Being in a relationship isn’t everything (despite what popular media tells you!). Only enter a relationship for the right reasons.
What’s your suggestion on maintaining a long-distance relationship?
I am definitely not the most qualified person to be discussing long-distance relationships (LDR), but I have taken an Intimate Relationships course, which covered the topic of long-distance. According to my professor’s class lecture, more couples in LDRs break up during the first six months of their relationship in comparison to couples who are in close proximity, but it becomes the opposite once couples pass the six months mark. The benefits of LDRs is that they allow couples to not take each other for granted, it’s a more passionate romance, there’s higher sex satisfaction, and time spent together is a lot more focused. It helps when you and your partner view each other as friends, you have strong communication through all types of mediums (phone, Facetime, text, hand-written, etc.) and your relationship was built on a strong foundation of trust and feeling secure with both yourself and your partner. My biggest takeaway from the lecture is that LDR couples tend to have higher expectations for everything to be “perfect” when they finally get to see each other again, but the weight of those expectations can hinder fully enjoying each other’s company. Meet your partner without high expectations so you can focus more on building your relationship rather than be nitpicky about every little detail.
How do you build trust between you and your significant other?
In terms of my personal experience, my partner and I stressed the importance of forming a strong foundation for our relationship to be built on– even before we became “exclusive”. We’ve spent a lot of time at the beginning of our relationship dedicated to talking about personal boundaries, expectations, and what trust means for us. We have each other’s phone passwords, but yet we never “check” each other’s phones. Many couples who always check each other’s text messages or social media accounts end up only hurting themselves by distrusting their significant other. Even if you don’t find anything “suspicious”, the tension from being distrustful of your partner and making them constantly walk on thin ice is going to distance you both and eventually lead to more problems. My partner and I have enough trust between the two of us to not be paranoid and understand that we have each others’ best interests at heart and will remain loyal. Communicating your wants, needs, and agreeing on boundaries when it comes to trust is really the key to building a healthy relationship.
How can you approach someone without coming across as “aggressive” or “needy”?
If you’re afraid of coming off as “aggressive” or “needy”, understand that these are your personal insecurities that are weighing you down. To overcome these insecurities, you need to reflect on why you feel afraid of coming across to others as aggressive/needy and then unlearn this habit of being afraid to approach someone because you don’t want them to be turned off by you. It also helps if you approach them with the intention of wanting to get to know them better rather than just getting in their pants. At the core of every healthy relationship, you are friends first, right? So treat the person you’re interested in as your friend, get to know them, understand what makes you attracted to them, and be honest with yourself. Could you see this relationship becoming something more? Do you think the other person could feel the same way? If the answer is yes, make sure to let them know how you feel!
That’s it for today’s post! If you have a topic for the next “Ask Hamy” post, let me know by commenting below or emailing me at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you would like to ask me a question, make sure to follow me on Instagram @iamhamyhuynh and keep up with my story updates!